Melancholy?

Definition: a feeling of thoughtful sadness. Yep, that's what it is and that's what I'm experiencing. It's interesting to me that the pieces and parts of my daily life can be so wonderful and yet there can be this underlying sadness that pops up when it's least expected. I know I'm missing family and friends - I first realized it when I attended a Women's Wellness retreat and was sitting in a circle of women. I had a pang of longing - to be back in my own circle. I was grateful to be in the circle I was in - wonderful women, wonderful facilitators, great process - but it still wasn't MY circle. Sigh...tears...I'll be fine.

I missed Helen's birthday and Kaitlin's graduation. Summer solstice came and went with no garden party at Chris's. No Open Days garden walks with Jacki and Joanne. Sigh...tears...I'll be fine.

Then one day last week while driving to work (down this lovely winding road with no lights, no traffic, and lots of pretty things to look at) I was pondering again where the sadness might be coming from, beyond missing my kith and kin. It occurred to me that I'm always a little sad this time of year, subconsciously remembering the death of my father in the month of July. No matter that it was nearly 47 years ago, it still haunts to this day. Then it hit me - I'm sad because my boss is getting ready to retire, and he's going to leave me too. Hope that doesn't sound too melodramatic, but I know these things about myself. Dave is my anchor here - he and his wife have invited me over to their home several times, introduced me to neighbors, check on me to make sure I'm OK, ask how I'm doing and if I need anything, etc., etc. When I went on my blind date last week, I let Dave know, and it was his phone number I had in my purse. Once he's gone (they're moving to Atlanta) I'll be truly on my own, again, alone again, naturally? Sigh.

The other part of it is this, I know Dave. We get along fine. I don't agree with everything he thinks, but he's a good listener and I can generally bring him around to my way of thinking. Gotta love THAT in a boss. I don't know who they're going to replace him with, and probably won't have much say, if any, in the matter. I know this about myself too - if I don't like my boss, I'm in deep shit trouble. So maybe there's a little fear in here too. Paradise lost? OK, maybe that was a little melodramatic....

Last Friday, a colleague and his wife invited me to dinner at their home and an all-Mozart concert at Bard College (up the road in Tivoli). Dinner was lovely on the patio and the concert was played on period instruments by Aston Magna - who marked their 38th season this year. When we got back to their home at the end of the evening, before they turned the porch light on, I thought I was in a fairy tale. The lightening bugs were flashing everywhere in the field next to their home. Absolutely magical. They invited me back in and we drank wine and talked classical music and food and art and the Hudson Valley for another hour. They've invited me to join them and some of their friends at Tanglewood in July. Tanglewood is a fabulous outdoor music venue in Massachusetts - just 90 minutes from here. I think this is the start of something really nice. But Jacki, it's just not the same as being with you. There's no replacing you darling.

Now for that blind date.... I haven't been on a date in 15 years. My how time flies whether you're having fun or not! I congratulate myself for getting out there, and accepting a last-minute invitation to a free concert on the lawn at Mills Mansion. My date even brought dinner, all fresh from his garden. He's a nice man, a widower whose wife died suddenly at 40 leaving him to raise 4 children. He's a 1974 graduate of the Culinary Institute and is now a retired gentleman farmer (he's my age). I don't think anything will come of this, but at least I broke the ice. Not getting any nibbles on Match.com though, so I'm not sure how I feel about this. Lots of "thanks but no thanks" to my outreach. Guess I'll just keep trolling...

Joanne - you'd be proud of me. I had to pinch back my basil bushes and had so much I decided to make pesto. You've been telling me how easy it is and frankly, I can't believe I've never done it before. But you kept giving it to me every year, so I guess I never needed to make my own! Anyhow, I did, and it's wonderful. I bought some lemon-asparagus ravioli at the market and put a few tablespoons of my pesto on it. Heavenly. Along side that were the roasted beets I made and the sauteed beet greens. Phyllis - I know you're smiling at that one!

See, I will be fine. Everything in its time.

Love to all,
Genz