Match.con is not a typo

I thought I'd found the man of my dreams. He really did turn out to be the man of my dreams, except it was a nightmare. How cliched is that?! It's been a month and I'm still stinging.

Here's how it works: you get a list of 5 men every day who "match" your profile. You look at their profiles and if you're interested you can "wink" - a harmless way of letting someone know you're interested. They look at your profile and wink back or send an email, or ignore you completely which is what over 100 men have done. (My self-esteem is still thankfully intact, but it's getting harder and harder to understand what the hell is wrong with me.) Or you can email right away, which I've done dozens of times. A few kind souls have emailed back with a nice note saying no thanks, good luck; and a few men have clicked on "no thanks" which sends an auto email telling you to keep looking.

I told you about my date with Farmer Joe. Nice guy, nothing there. I ran into him at the Dutchess County Fair (on purpose) and confirmed my initial assessment. Fairly certain he's not my type, even while I'm still trying to figure out what my type IS after all these years. I've exchanged a couple of emails with Arlen Roth - the famous guitar player/teacher (look up Hot Licks). He's spent the summer in Martha's Vineyard and is expected home this week. Maybe we'll get together? That's it. Two responses. Until Simon Bradley came along.

Ah, Simon. "Who would have guessed," said my friend Lynda. "An Engineer with the soul of a poet." Half German, half Brit - love that European sensibility I read in his emails. Said so many things that made me smile, laugh, giggle - gave me butterflies in my stomach. Seemed to be able to see right into my soul - shared all my deepest values. Widower - wife died of ovarian cancer. His friend Nelson met his wife on match.com and that's what inspired him to try it. Debbie is such a wonderful gal. She's from the States. Can't wait to meet her.

Owns a home in West London (that's where his Mom lives - she's the Brit part), but hasn't settled down here yet. Said he lived in LaGrangeville but was waiting to buy a home until he met someone he was serious about. You might remember LaGrangeville from the vinegar festival I went to back in June or July - about 20 miles away from Rhinebeck, not too bad. We couldn't meet for coffee just yet, since he was out of the country on business. He's on assignment on an oil rig - he'd be home in a month. Great, I thought. Give us time to get to know each other before we actually meet.

I copied my favorite Rilke poem for him in German, since I thought he might like to read it in his native tongue. He loved it. I shared my favorite Gibran poem On Love. He loved that too. When I wondered aloud how on earth we could have ever found each other among the thousands and thousands of people on match, he said "Finding you was by chance, writing to you was by choice, but falling for you is out of my control." Damn, he's good.

When I was in Detroit in July, friends Lynda and Lisa and I spent a lovely day together talking about our current circumstances and our dreams for the future. The three of us created "vision boards" of our intentions. Lynda to sell her home, me to find the right partner, and Lisa to find her role and voice and navigate the waters of her father's illness and impending death. Our love for each other and the space we provide to each other to express our deepest thoughts and feelings is the most wonderful gift in the world. When Simon showed up, I felt like it was in direct response to my vision board and my intentions(to awaken joy), supported by Lynda and Lisa and Ann (who wasn't there physically, but in spirit). I told them "look what you brought me" and sent a picture of this handsome guy with a winning smile and an earring in his ear lobe that made me smile whenever I looked at it, which I did pretty frequently.

I was beginning to stress about whether or not or how to tell him about the cancer. After all, he lost his wife to cancer. Would that matter to him? I'm supposed to be cancer free, but you never know. When to tell, how to tell. I was fretting over this one.

When Jacki called from her travels out west, I told her "I think I've met my Terry." Terry is Jacki's husband; they met on match.com 5 years ago. He adores her and she adores him and they're one of the happiest couples I know. When Kelly and her husband John came to visit I told them about Simon. Being the practical type, they wondered if I'd checked him out yet. Had I Googled him? (Did you know Google was a verb?) Well, no, I hadn't yet. But I certainly would - good idea - not sure why I hadn't done that yet. I'll do that Sunday afternoon when I have lots of time.

Sunday morning brought a note from Simon saying he'd be home in two weeks and wondered if I'd like to pick him up at the airport. The note said maybe it's time to take this to the next level and have a phone chat. "Here's my phone number (international of course) give me a call." Well, I thought, guess I'd better Google him before I start thinking about calling or picking him up at the airport. (Although I did spend time imagining what that first meeting would be like. Would we hug, kiss, just stare at each other? Maybe it's time for new undies. LOL)

Pulled up Google and typed in Simon Bradley. Brought up thousands of Simon Bradleys all over the world, but nothing that resembled my Simon. So I typed in Simon Bradley Engineer. Up popped a link for simbrad53@yahoo.com (his email address) on a romance scam site. Did you know there was such a thing? Actually there are several such sites, where people report scammers. Well, there was my Simon, picture and all. Oh, and those lovely emails he wrote me? There they were, almost word for word, posted by several other women who had received them too. My heart sunk right to my stomach. I felt awful, violated, sick, angry, sad, horrible.... Thank God for friends. Both Jacki and Kelly called me on Sunday afternoon and gave me a chance to talk and cry and wonder what on earth would compel someone to do what he did (if it even was a "he").

Turns out it's money, of course. Apparently, these people get you to fall for them and then, while they're on their way to see you, something happens, an accident, something, and they need - you guessed it - money. Please wire money to this account. Well, it didn't get that far, obviously. I didn't give my phone number or any other personal information, but what if....

I went out and rented myself two movies, which I never do, and made a very large bowl of popcorn. I made myself two very stiff scotches and watched my movies and ate my popcorn. Anything to get me through the rest of the day. I cried myself to sleep. It felt like someone I loved had died, for heaven's sake. It took me days and days to get over this - still not sure I'm completely there.

So what have I learned here? Because of course if I don't learn something this would be a really big waste of a life experience, right? :-)

--Maybe match.com is the problem. But what about Jacki, and others I've heard of? Maybe eHarmony? Hope springs eternal?
--If someone falls for me, it must be a scam. No, that can't be right.
--I need to check people out sooner. Why did I wait so long this time? Deep down, did I think this couldn't be real, so I didn't check?
--I did like the way I felt when I thought it was real. I'm capable of having those feelings that I'd thought might be long gone.
--I enjoy watching movies at home and don't need to wait until I'm in a mood. Redbox rents them out for $1 and they're in my grocery store one mile away.
--I don't need to wait to meet someone before I buy new undies.

I told Dave's wife that I felt like I'd lost a little of my innocence. She said that's lovely - that I even had any innocence left to lose! LOL I'm glad I'm not a cynic, although I have a much higher filter now when I read profiles. A lot of what I read sounds like a lie. I hope I get over that soon. I think that deep down, people are really good at heart. (Thank you, Anne Frank) Although Simon Bradley, or whoever he is, can take a flying leap.

Onward and upward,
Genz

Summer's almost over!

Last I wrote, summer had just begun, and if I don't get this written soon, summer will be absolutely over before I write again! It seemed to stretch out endlessly in front of me back in early July, when the school closed for three weeks as they do every July. Students head to all points east, west, north and south. Faculty go on vacation, as do most of the staff. There's a small but might band of Facilities folks who transform the campus with long awaited construction projects and maintenance - including replacing equipment of all sorts. I was the recipient of one of their projects this year. I got an office! Or I should say, my office got a wall and a door! Used to have to walk through my office to get to my colleague's office. I had absolutely no privacy, and she felt like she had to sneak out of her office to not disturb me. So the talented Facilities folks took down a hallway door, opened up the drywall, put up new dry wall and a new door and voila! We both have our own doors and I have space to hold coaching conversations in complete privacy.

This special consideration for me is just one of many things that have happened to make me realize how much I'm appreciated and cared for. We bought a defunct restaurant across the street from the campus and while they're trying to decide exactly what to do with it, they've offered it up to me as a Training Center for all the classes I'll be teaching in the months ahead. Found furniture in that cavernous attic of ours. Painted walls, put up new shades, found projector and screen for my PowerPoint presentations, buying a water cooler - since we're not exactly sure the water is potable - and getting me a Blackberry so I can be in touch while I'm "off-campus." Today, we had our second State of the Institute address and while the President was talking about the work we're doing to evolve the culture and build our leadership competencies - he mentioned my name twice! Both times he was extolling my virtues and encouraging managers to contact me to help with organization improvement efforts. I couldn't feel more wanted or appreciated. What a wonderful feeling to get up every morning with so many wonderful things to do and so much positive feedback for my work, and for what I bring. After the address, we were treated to a wonderful BarBQ (ribs, chicken, salmon, brisket and ALL the fixings) followed by CIA bingo (daubers and all) and dessert. What a hoot. I smiled all afternoon thinking of how much fun everyone had. Goodness gracious, pinch me!

Spent lovely days with family and friends this summer - in Detroit, in Florida for Laura and Gallo's wedding, and in Stratford, Ontario watching incredible theatre. Sisters' Weekend at Black Lake was special - beautiful weather, fun shopping, Mexican train dominoes, pinochle, and movies. When I went to Little Italy in the Bronx in June, I bought some frozen, unbaked sfogliatelle - an incredible flaky pastry with a light cheese filling. I carried them to Detroit in a small cooler to take North for Sisters. They were absolutely the best ever - hot out of the oven - oh my!! So, those pounds I've been keeping at bay since January have finally found me. Over the summer I gained 5 pounds and I'm struggling to get rid of them. I just let myself eat whatever I darn well pleased and I'm paying for it! I kept kidding myself saying it was all fresh fruits and vegetables - hah! Last weekend was the Hudson Valley Food and Wine Festival. Unless you count wine as a fruit, I guess there has been a little more to it. Oh, and that milk shake at the Dutchess County Fair.... The 4H kids milk the cow and turn around and make fresh milk shakes. How could I pass that up - dairy sensitivity be damned! To top it off, I won the raffle at the Rhinebeck Farmers Market last week - $300 in gift certificates, $10 at each of the 30 vendors at the market. Guess I'll be stocking the freezer and pantry at that rate! Venison, wine, fish, lamb, cheese, honey - not to mention the pasta, pastries, mushrooms, and every summer fruit and vegetable grown for miles around. Good Lord, I'm doomed. Although, I did find out today I've been chosen to participate with that personal trainer again. I'm definitely going to take advantage of that!!

I took a week-long Chinese water color class in July - long awaited and anticipated. The first day went pretty well - learned some techniques and experimented, turning out some interesting specimens. I felt good at the end of the day - eagerly awaiting the rest of the week. Day Two was totally different. Started out OK - we used the thinnest brush to trace minute details of several large fish. I'm a good tracer so that part was easy. But when we started to put color on the paper, I became completely lost. The instruction was just over my head and when you're not doing it right, mixing colors together can turn everything brown. I was so discouraged, and Day Three didn't bring any relief. We added "underwater" features to the picture - out of nowhere little fish, jelly fish, seaweed, coral was supposed to appear. I kept staring at the space expecting something to jump out at me but it never happened.

We left at noon and I thought I'd made a mistake by taking the class. The afternoon, however, provided needed relief. At the conference center, Wednesday afternoons were set aside to experience the different workshops being offered - you could choose two. So I set off for the Zen and the Art of Seeing (a drawing workshop) and a Gospel Choir workshop. In retrospect, that afternoon was the most fun I had all week. I absolutely LOVED singing Gospel. I love to sing loud (even if I'm not all that great) and they love it when you sing Gospel loud. Sing it, sister! Clapping and swaying, I just let myself go. Great way to get rid of frustration too. Maybe I need to find a Gospel choir to join.... The drawing workshop was amazing actually. It taught me to really SEE what I was looking at, down to the minutest detail. Characteristics showed up that I would ordinarily have completely overlooked. I was drawing a pine bough and when I finished I realized that I had drawn an exact and I mean exact replica, and it really was effortless. It was just a matter of opening up my eyes. It was so peaceful an experience as well. I left feeling calm and rested, and ready to go back to painting the next day.

Unfortunately that peaceful feeling didn't last long. The next project for Days 4 and 5 was tracing again, but on different paper and using different paints. This time it was elephants and the jungle was supposed to appear around the elephants. Don't paint the elephants, paint the space around the elephants. Don't paint the mud on the elephants, paint the space around the mud. Don't paint the grass, paint the space.... Yeah, right. So my elephants were "stylized" - that's code for, she doesn't have a clue what she's doing with those colors. I really wanted to learn something that week, and what I learned was - I don't have a very good "beginner's mind" as we say in meditation practice. I wanted to be good, and I couldn't be good, so I got frustrated. The more frustrated I got, the less fun the whole experience was. I couldn't seem to figure out how to relax and go with it. BUT, I'm not giving up. This Thursday I start a 6-session beginners water color class in Red Hook at a local artists' studio. I want to paint. I feel like I have something that needs to be expressed through water color. I have no idea why I feel that way, but I do. I think it's a left-brain, right-brain thing. There's so much going on inside my head that wants out! And darn it, I have a million dollars worth of supplies that I need to use up. Ha-Ha. Not exactly a million, but you get my drift. I have the drafting table and a new chair. I have all the acoutrements of a painter. Now I just need to learn what to do with them all. Wish me luck!

Part of the reason you haven't heard from me this summer is that I've been spending so much spare time on Match.com. But that's another story. Maybe tomorrow.

I also had a wonderful visit with some dear friends from Michigan, and I'll tell you about that too. I miss you all.

Ciao for now,
love,
Genz